"OH BOY, DARK SOULS!"
"I've heard this game is super good, I liked Dark Souls 2 a lot and I beat it like 50000 times across multiple characters so I think I know how to play the game. I'll just pick it up and see how I do, I can't wait! People say Dark Souls 2 is shit and Dark Souls 1 is like the best thing ever, it's gonna be super cool!"
He said, ignorant enthusiasm glittering in his eyes.
Okay, let's do this, put the game disc in.
The Main Menu
Oh, what lovely music, putting me into a false sense of security for the ass raping I'm about to receive. Alright, start button, new game.
The Intro Cutscene
Intro cinematic, hey, I have no clue what the hell this lady is going on about. Hey, it's that dead guy made up of a thousand dead guys. Some weird lady holding fire, don't burn yourself.
Man, this looks cool, I wish I was playing it.
Oh, this looks like a prison of some kind. Oh, hey it's me. Why am I made out of beef jerky? I hope I'm teriyaky flavored. OSHIT, IT'S RAINING MEN! Oh, a shiny, who threw that at me. Hey! Where you goin, get back here! I'll fuck you up for throwing a body at me!
Oh, a key. Now I can get out. I shall get out now right after kickig these walls in case they're not real.
Okay, they're all real.
Let's go, ADVENTUUUUURE.
Yeah, yeah, hollow guys, no big deal, I'll whack them with my toothpick of a sword. Oh, check this huge room, there might be something useful here.
BOSS FIGHT: Asylum Demon
Oh, look, a fat dude. I've heard that I should run away so I'm going to run away into this room.
Great, okay, so now what. Long hallway with an archer plinking at me. That's ok, I'll just pick up this shield. Now I'll go up to him and whack him and pick up the better sword he was guarding. Oh boy, this is going pretty well, so far.
Hrm, what's up these stairs? FUCK, WHY WAS THERE A BALL UP THERE?!
Oh, it broke this wall, I'll go in.
Oh, it's you! The guy who threw that body at me! I'll fuc u up, m8, swear on me mum.
Oh, you want me to listen to your weird story, okay, I'll hear it.
Mhm... mhm... oh, great, okay, that's nice. You seem cool. Oh, sweet, Sunny-D, awesome. Well... can't you drink this so you can like, not die or something? Oh, on second thought, I'll just take it, I probably need it more than you do, I just got punched by a rolling ball. Oh, and keys, cool.
Okay, off I go- oh, death noise. Wait, did my friend just die??? *Gaaasp* Onoeeeee, my friend is deaaaaad, I hardly knew hiiiiiim- oh well, ONWARDS.
Yeah, Imma fuck up these zombies with my sword of justice and steel and my tiny shield. Alright, let's go through this bukkake wall. Round 2, hey, idiot, what's up?
BOSS FIGHT: Asylum Demon (For real, this time)
Stab you in your FACE! Oh, I missed. Fuck me.
30 tactical butt stabs later.
Okay, great, I killed my first boss, that wasn't so bad. It's probably going to get so much worse.
Time to go, open this door, up this hill, hey another cutscene.
AGH, GIANT CROW, HITITHITITHITIT oh, it's bringing me places. Oh, I'm in Lordran now, apparenty I wasn't before.
And thus does the true Dark Souls begin.
Okay, my hub world, lemme talk to this guy.
Okay, you don't have anything insteresting to tell me.
What's over here? Graveyard, how wonderful. Hey, skellymans, I hit you.
Bigger skellyman, I probably shouldn't... I'll just get out of here. Bonfire that health back up.
Maybe I'll go the right way this time, up here to these elite armored soldiers that die in 2 hits. Through this tunnel, HEY, I SEE YOU THERE, RAT! DIE!
Not letting that guy come up behind me, I know better. Going, going, oh, new place.
This looks like a happening sort of place, daddy-o.
Oh, look, people to welcome me, I think I'll just kill you.
WHO'S THROWING THESE FUCKING FIREBOMBS?!
Whatever, run past these things, tiny bridge, DRAGOOOOOOON!
I hope I don't see that guy ever again.
Alright, gotta kill you guys, fucking DAMMIT, STOP SHOOTING ME. Alright, I gotta kill you, you stupid archer asshole. Fantastic, you're dead. Get off of my tower.
Ladee laa, alright, more killing you guys, winding hallways, I'm lost, no, wait, okay, I know where I'm going.
Oh, stairs, I'm gonna go down. HEY! HAVEL! MY FRIEND! Okay, so I've heard that this is the parry trainer, so I'm just gonna-
Nevermind... I'll try to backstab instead.
Hm, okay, I'm not killing this guy. RUN!
Darkroot Basin? Okay, lemme see what this is about... oh, crystal things, lemme try to hit them. Oh, I do no damage, okay lemme run past them right into these water lazers being shot at me from way over there.
Hi, Havel. Bye, Havel.
Okay, lemme try going up this time.
Oh, another bukkake wall, lemme just go through here. Oh, a ladder, lemme kill these guys up here and go back down.
BOSS FIGHT: Taurus Demon
Okay, lemme hit him in his stupid ankles. Shit, he hit me.
Okay, go back up the ladder, I heard you can jump attack him and hit him in his weak point for massive damage.
HE CAN JUMP UP HERE?! AW, SHIT!
Alright, circle strafe for the win.
Alright, well that wasn't completely terrible.
Okay, go down, what's this?
PRAISE THE SUN!!!!
I luv u.
U da bestest.
Yaaaaaay, white sign soapstone! Jolly co-operation!
Okay, bai Solaire!
Up here, oh bridge, this looks great, AGH, DRAGON AGAIN! AAAAAAH, STOP BREATHING FIRE! SHIT!
Well, that sucked.
Gotta go back, now. There's a bonfire like right there! But like... fuck, I can't get past this thing! Fuck... okay, I'll go down these stairs. Okay, nothing too important here... hey, a shield guy perched on this precarious ledge just to kill me.
Alright, go back to him, kick his stupid face off the ledge, hey a shortcut, nice. Now I can just go straight down to the bonfire.
Okay, I gotta try to find my way past this dragon...
I'll try just running.
Right, that's not gonna work.
I wonder how much damage I can do to him...
Well, I think this is a good place to stop and think about my life choices for a bit.
8 MONTHS LATER
Okay, lemme try this shit again...
Okay, I ran past him, shit, how'd I not get that before?
Okay, now that's done, I guess I'll go to this other area I managed to get to.
Fantastic, I'll just go up these stairs and fuck this guy's day up. Hahah, yeah, eat that, you bitch.
There was that staircase that led up, I'll take that before going forward.
Oh, Black Knight, I see.
Yeah, maybe not.
I'll just go ahead with what I was doing, kill you again.
Alright, giant armor boar, one guy I can see, two archers up top, probably like 5 guys I can't see.
Alright, I guess I'll take you on first, sword guy, then I'll kill the boar. Okay, you're dead, now for armor boar.
Circle strafe, circle strafe.
BAM! PROCTOLOGY, BITCH!
Okay, you're dead, hey, spear guy, I kill you now.
Up these stairs, I'll kill these motherfuckers trying to shoot me.
Okay, let's take a mulligan on that.
Okay, now I killed them.
Nice gate, I can see a switch behind it. I'll probably get to it later. In the meantime, down these stairs.
AGH, ZOMBIE DUNGEON.
MYSTERY KEY? How mysterious...
Hey, check it, another bukkake wall.
I should probably stop calling them that.
I see you there new enemy type. Press L2 to crouch. Remember this isn't Assassin's Creed Unity.
Okay, and BAM, you out the way. Hey, new shield, I'll put it on, sure.
Man, I really need a new sword or something, I haven't found a single merchant or blacksmith in this game yet... I hope I can find one before I break my sword.
Through here, god, I hate these knights, SHIT.
I hate this game so much right now...
Okay, repeat all that, get to this courtyard with the hollow soldier guys. I can take them, yeah, you guys suck. In here- lawd, pls no.
Giant mace greatshield motherfucker here. Somehow killed it, FIRE KEEPER SOUL? I wonder what that's for... hrm. I'll probably need it later. Wow, I see three of you guys down that hall so I'm not gonna go down there yet. I'll go up here instead!
Yo, I just walked into a fucking dance party here, and I definitely was not invited.
Kill you hollow guys that are taking half my HP per hit then kill this jovial motherfucker, here. Alright, heal up, up, up. Go up more, I'm lost, I have no idea what even.
Ladee laa, explore, oh, some guy trapped in a cell.
Let you out? Hrm... you seem nice, so sure.
"Now... I can get back to work... keheheheh...."
Okay, I saw an elevator downstairs, I'm gonna take that.
Oh, kick ass, firelink! I think I won't use this fire keeper soul until after Lautrec kills the fire keeper and get to Anor Londo without upgrading my estus once because I'm FUCKING stupid!
Okay, back into that cathedral.
No seriously, I'm lost.
I actually don't know where to go.
Fuck, where do I go?!
An Indeterminate Amount of Time Later
Wow, a ladder, I didn't notice that shit.
Okay, go up, up, up more ladders.
Another bu- fog wall.
I think I'll summon some help for this one.
Let us go an co-operate whilst being jolly about it!
BOSS FIGHT: Belfry Gargoyles
Hey, it's that one boss fight from Dark Souls 2 that I hated, fantastic.
But it's okay! I got my sunbro with me!
Cut your tail off, biyatch.
You're dead, where's the other three?
Hah, there's one. Gank up!
Oh, only two this time? Huh, it's almost like this game doesn't favor artificial difficulty by just swarming you with bullshit. (FUCKING ALMOST)
Great, ring that giant beckoning bell.
Alright, down the ladder, why is there a gimp here?
Oh, you're that one guy in Dark Souls 2 who, um... what'd you do again...?
Oh, right, the pardoner or whatever...
No thanks, I'm good for now.
I guess I should go back from whence I came.
Down, down, down, back to the cathedral, opening area, go across this bridge I didn't get to. Go moar, MOAR!
Hey, bonfire, cool.
IS THAT ONION BRO?!
Wave to Onion Bro.
Yep, okay, bye, Onion Bro!
Down more sta- *GAAAAAASP*
- Throws sword at his face*
FIX MY SHIT!
Hrm.... I see a titanite demon...
Cool, titanite or whatever.
Huzzah! I did it! It took me eight months, but I finally beat the Undead Parish! Oh, a forest area, let's have ourselves a look-see.
The Elite Knight Set is here.
I WANT IT.
Okay, go, go, weird pinecone monster guys, I don't understand, kill you, you aren't so tough.
Spawning behind me, of course, why wouldn't they, this is a Souls game, fairness is a word that doesn't exist in its vocabulary.
Running still, big door.
Locked by some contraption, huh?
Well I guess I'll have to get back to that later, I'll go this way instead. Huh, this looks confusing. Giant stone enemy?
Hit it, hit it, hit it.
Oh, now I can't move.
Okay, repeat that, spam R1, kill you this time. I see a shiny but I don't thiiiiiiiink...
ELITE KNIGHT SET! WOOO!
Oh, right, I can't run.
I hate this game.
Okay, kill first giant, don't go into that clusterfuck over there. Some more giants, somehow kill them. Stairs, yay, up, up, up.
BOSS FIGHT: Moonlight Butterfly
Oh, how lovely. Lasers, I see. I can dodge these, sure.
Ow, that hurt, no biggie.
Shit, I have like 2 estus.
I'll have to clutch this one out...
You coming down?
You just gonna keep shooting me...?
The fuck am I supposed to do, even?
Oh, it's coming down, now.
Hit it with this claymore I inexplicably picked up somewhere.
Okay, I did a good amount of damage, but I have like no estus left.
Man, this sucks.
Uhuh, let's try that will more estus...
BOSS FIGHT: Moonlight Butterfly (Round 2)
For fuck's sake...
A Shitton of Pew, Pews Later
Okay, two hand, hack at your stupid unicorn face.
Half your HP gone.
Okay, up more, up- wow these are a lot of steps.
You look fantastic.
Cool, neat stuff. Anything else here...?
Um... okay... I'll just homeward, then...
I got here somehow, from the Valley of Drakes.
Woooow, check out that lighting filter change, holy crap, this game's engine is terrible.
Woah, okay, weird beef men.
Backstab you back to turd hell where you belong.
Sweet, he dropped some shit. Literally.
Oh, hey, East St. Louis!
This place is darker than the entirety of Dark Souls 2, and I can still see kinda fine...
Okay, going, going, weird bug monsters, I kil u ded.
Hit those mosquitoes.
Miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, get poisoned, miss, miss, miss, miss, hit.
Okay, down more, moar, MOAR.
Aw, fuck me...
Eat that moldy shit.
Gonna keep both of those on my items tab.
Keep going down to the elevator, go down, miss the landing.
Mkay... try that again.
Stick the landing this time. Miss the platform.
Stick the landing, hit the platform, go down into the shit water.
Fantastic, now I'm poisoned. Hurray.
Go here, kill bugs.
Dark Spirit Maneater Mildred has invaded!
Oh, hello. Why do you have The Rotten's butcher knife?
Or... perhaps The Rotten has Maneater Mildred's butcher knife...
- Rubs head in thought*
STOP HITTING ME!
Okay, I killed you, great.
Rest at the bonfire, fantastic.
Summon a player bro I know.
Okay, I gotta gooooooo there, now.
I wanna rock! ROCK!
FUCKING HELL, AGH, DAMMIT!
Okay, sweet, made it.
What, Maneater Mildred? Sure, I'll give it a shot.
Okay, you stupid bitch, let's gooooooo.
Oh, great, another stupid spider bo-
BOSS FIGHT: Chaos Witch Quelaag
Boss fight, lets go!
Wow, I am doing no damage.
Okay, puking fire. THE FLOOR IS LAVA.
THE ENTIRE FLOOR IS LAVA.
MILDRED, DO SOMETHING!
Oh, you're too busy being stunlocked by the fire? Okay.
Um, friendo PC, do something.
Yes, hit her with your halberd.
Thrust your spear deep inside her body.
Woops, I got distracted and stunlocked by fire swerd.
Okay, resummon PC bro.
I'M IN THE WRONG SWAMP!
Okay, Mildred, try again.
BOSS FIGHT: Chaos Witch Quelaag Again
Fuck, DAMMIT! She takes like half my HP!
Okay, circle around her, I can do it.
Mildred, whatchu doin?
Getting stunlocked by lava, okay...
Hit her butt.
Yeah, tap dat ass.
WHAT THE FUCK, HER ASS EXPLODED!
That was one hell of an orgasm...
Okay, fuck Mildred, for real.
Summon PC bro again.
BOSS FIGHT: Hot Spider Butt Lady
I really can't damage this lady.
Well, I guess I just gotta hit her harder...
I should stop getting distracted...
I have no god damn humanity left... this is my last PC bro summon...
BOSS FIGHT: Attention Span
Hit that bitch, HIT IT, HIT IT.
Fucking LAVA EVERYWHERE!
PC bro, halp!
Okay, we got dis, we can do iiiiiit.
I DESTROYED THAT BITCH!
Okay, ring this other bell, huzzah.
Somehow get to Quelaag's sister bypassing the weird egg carrying dude, no really, he was totally alive afterwards and I had lit the bonfire, I don't know how I got to her.
I killed him because I didn't know you could talk to him... but that's later.
Okayyyyy, Blighttown is done, super happy I don't have to go through THAT again... damn, there surely can't be an area worse than that, can there?
Oh, fuck me...